Time stand still, time speed up

Lately, I have felt torn between these two sentiments when it comes to Father Time.

Regarding the first statement, it seems that Jameston is growing by leaps and bounds, and all I want to do is push the "Pause" button and keep him at this age. Although he is still little, and reminds us of that fact weekly (okay, maybe bi-weekly) with his Not-So-"Terrible-Two" tantrums, I feel that he has transformed from a baby to a little boy in no time flat. I often find myself wanting to rock him to sleep some nights just so I can make sure he still needs his Mommy (although I know he needs me and Brett in different ways now), and then I quickly have to tell myself, "He's not little anymore." :-( These realizations have started to occur even more, especially when I get my weekly emails from Parents.com talking about starting pre-school! What?! OH, and he is talking in sentences AND talking back (I didn't think that started until they were teenagers)! He doesn't do much of the latter, but when he does, it is hard to believe. Hard to believe that our little boy will be 2-years-old next month. Sigh. I really do know now first-hand what "grown-ups" and parents were talking about when they told me that children "grow up so fast."

On the other hand, I feel like time is going by at a snail's pace when it comes to me moving on from our miscarriage. It seems like it happened so long ago when, in fact, it was just four months ago. Four months?! When we got the news in late March, I hoped so much that we would be pregnant again by now. Hard to believe I would be 7 months along now. It has been really tough, and I know that we will never forget the loss and the pain. But...I feel that I will be able to move on more when we have something to look forward to instead of being reminded of the heartbreak of the past.

The past four months have felt like an eternity. I used to have a fortune cookie quote in my car in college that stated "Time heals all wounds." I don't know if I fully agree, but I do know that time eases the pain. I am reading a book called, "When the Hurt Runs Deep," by Kay Arthur, given to me by my mother-in-law. It is a good read for anyone, currently grieving or not. I highly recommend it for those who are needing comfort from a scriptural stance or looking to help someone during a difficult time.

Over the last several months, I have learned a lot about myself---some days I feel more normal while other days I feel slightly insane from all of the emotions. I feel that I have learned, as I have posted before, the true definition of patience. And, trust, oh trust...we have had the bible verse, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding (Prov. 3:5)" in our house for four years now...but it wasn't until recently that I have really listened to and understood this verse.

More important than learning more about myself, I have grown in my faith. I have been through some tough things before this (my parent's divorce, family issues, etc.), but nothing as difficult as the last four months have been. I am not writing this so that others feel sorry for me; I guess I am writing to let people (mainly myself) know that healing takes time. I know that I will get through this with God's help. He knows what is best for our family. And, although I like to plan and be in control, HE is in control. I am still working on this patience thing, but what I know is that God's timing will be perfect. Even if it is later than we had hoped for, it will be perfect!

The days when I am sad about the past or anxious about the future, I think of the song, "Praise You in this Storm," by Casting Crowns. I know this "storm" I am experiencing will pass, and that many others have gone through something far more difficult. This song, which is based off of the scripture at the top of our blog, really speaks to me about placing all of our trust in our God and realizing the blessings we have. If you haven't heard it, I recommend you take a listen. It is a great song for anyone who has ever gone through a trial before, which, I am pretty sure, we all have. Here are my favorite lines from the song:

"...I barely hear You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus: ...and every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

...I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth."

This song and the book I just finished give me hope and the knowledge that, one day, the suffering we experience will be redeemed in ways we cannot even begin to imagine.