Finding the words

I have debated whether or not I was going to sit down and blog about what has been going on for us over the last few months. Since it is such a personal subject, I did not know if I was comfortable talking about it. However, because it is also a common subject, I figured it would not hurt to share it, especially if you or someone you know has also gone through it. Because this blog is private and I know all of you who read it, I thought it would help me to talk (or write) about it all. So, here we go.

Some of you know that Brett and I were expecting again and due in late October. We were ecstatic, to say the least! We have always hoped to have three kids, and we were hoping to have them about two years apart or so. We were very excited to find out in mid-February that God had granted us that wish for a second child.

After about six weeks of nausea and other pregnancy symptoms, I had no red flags and felt like everything was right on track. Well, our excitement came to a screeching halt on March 23rd, when I went in for my first sonogram when I was almost 9 weeks along (I was too early at my first appt. earlier in March for them to do a ultrasound or doppler test). At this appointment I was very anxious, as most women are during the first trimester because of the fear of something possibly going wrong. Well, that fear was, unfortunately, faced that day. The technician kept saying words one would never want to hear, "This is not looking right," and, "The baby's heart rate should be higher." I tried to keep it together, but without Brett or anyone else there with me, and Dr. Meredith, my new OB doctor, not in the office that day, I was so upset and requested to see the other OB doc on staff, whom I had never met before.

Dr. Sandman was very nice and sensitive, reassuring me that we could have my dates wrong or that my inverted uterus was not allowing a good reading. However, I know these tests are highly sensitive and I was certain of my dates (since we were trying to get pregnant). With all of that in the back of my mind, I realize he did his best to gently prepare me for the scenario of a miscarriage.

Our fears were confirmed the following week when I went back for a follow-up ultrasound after what felt like the longest week ever. At that appointment, they could not detect a heartbeat and the baby was measuring the same as it had the week before. My heart sank to my stomach, and tears started streaming. Brett was out of town traveling for work, but my mom had come to Dallas to stay with me and to go to the appointment. Right then and there I had to come to terms with the fact that we would not be expecting a little bundle of joy in the fall. That our "plans" to extend our family and give Jameston a little brother or sister would have to be put on hold. I had to accept that I was pregnant, and felt very much so, the months of February and March, and that now, in April, I was no longer.

Although both doctors had prepared us for the possibility, I don't think anything could ever truly get you ready for that news and the emotions that follow. It has been hard to say the least. I have good days and bad days (or minutes or hours).

I thank the Lord for the precious son we already have and hope for a sibling for him someday, in God's time. Since then I have been clinging to Scripture, and seeking advice from dear friends and loved ones, some who have gone through similar experiences. I know I am not alone in my sadness and that miscarriages unfortunately happen often; however, there have been times when I ask "Why me?" I have realized quite a bit about myself and have learned SO much from this experience. As they say your relationship with the Lord strengthens during those tough times. I have realized that He is in control of this situation and that I need to let go (of that control) and let Him guide us through this. More than anything I have realized that I need to work on patience. I thought I was a patient person, all the while knowing that I am very type A and like to plan plan plan. And, when that plan was changed, it took me to my knees. I know, over time, I will find peace as I pray for it daily.

I have an amazing and supportive husband, family, and group of friends who have helped me through my grief. My faith, as it often is in trying times, has been tested but strengthened. I have faith that God is looking after our family. I am reassured by the knowledge that He has another plan for us, although we do not know what that plan is now. My friend, who recently went through a similar experience, recommended the Psalms as passages to look to in times like these. I have read Psalm 86 several times over the past weeks, and the following bible verse has given me hope about the future, when we will be able to look back and see what God's plans for us were:

Second half of Psalm 30:5

"Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."

The header of our blog is a daily prayer for me, now more than ever, as I look to God, the ultimate Healer (and Planner) in life. Thank you for letting me share this, as it has helped me to talk through it with others. I like to write, so this blog may become somewhat of a journal for me. Also, thanks to those who already knew, who have prayed, called, emailed, etc. Your friendship, encouragement, and support mean so much to us.